Underwold: Battle for Crow Canyon Dr
by Hyper Guyver
Summary: As the never ending war between werewolves and vampires rages, battles for supremacy are scattered all across the globe! One such tales involve vampires and werewolves as they fight for the most strategic suburb in all of Colorado!
1. Budget Cuts

Note: **NONE** of these characters are Self-Inserts! **ABSOLUTELY NONE OF THEM** are based off of real people. So everyone can **relax** now and **enjoy** a story about a bunch of completely fictional characters bordering on **brain dead**.   
  
In the never-ending war between werewolves and vampires, battles for supremacy are scattered all across the globe! One such tales involves men, women, vampires and werewolves as they fight for control of the most important street in a rural suburb in all of Colorado.  
  
This is their tale.  
  
**Werewolves**:  
  
**Tank**: The leader  
  
**Rex**:  
  
**Hawk**: Medic  
  
**Chip**:  
  
**Vampires**:  
  
**Maxwell**: Leader  
  
**Charles**: Medic  
  
**Sophia  
**  
**Claire**

**Werewolves: Episode 1: Budget Cuts  
**  
**Werewolf Base**: In the sewers. Pretty dark and dank place, Smells bad too..... THANK GOD they finally invested in some air fresheners..... Place is like a freaking damp maze down there..... The werewolves clothes don't look much better.....  
  
**Rex**: (Comes storming into their base) All right! Which one of you num-nuts drank all my Apple Juice?!  
  
**Tank**: Num-nuts? I thought you were the one who lost all feeling below the belt after that little incident with that stray silver bullet.  
  
**Rex**: SHUT UP! I want to know who drank all my Apple Juice!  
  
**Hawk**: Uh, just a thought... but... maybe you DRANK IT.  
  
**Rex**: Are you telling me I drank seven bottles of apple juice in the last seven hours?  
  
**Hawk**: Are you telling me that you interrupted an important staff meeting over our next plan against the vampires because of apple juice?  
  
**Rex**: I... Er... No..... But..... Hey wait! You guys are having a staff meeting without me?!  
  
**Tank**: We told chip to go get you.....  
  
(Everyone looks at chip who's playing video games in the corner)  
  
**Chip**: Er... I did look for him! But..... You know..... This place is so big I got lost.  
  
**Hawk**: .....Rex's room is right next door to this room idiot.  
  
**Chip**:.... Still pretty easy to get lost.....  
  
**Rex**: (whispers) Moron.... (Ahem) Anyways, what's our latest plan?  
  
**Tank**: Well, what we're planning now is a sneak attack into the enemy base.  
  
**Rex**: You mean that huge ass mansion at the end of the street?  
  
**Tank**: Yeah... The huge ass mansion at the end of the street.  
  
**Chip**: You know, I still don't understand why the vampires get a mansion above ground while were stuck living in the sewers.....  
  
**Hawk**: Well, for starters, the vampires can afford it. They've got the most advanced weapons and technology that money can buy. So naturally they have all the money they need to set up a billion dollar mansion in the middle of a Colorado suburb.  
  
**Rex**: And that in itself makes perfect sense.....  
  
**Hawk**: Hey, I never said the vampires were smart, I just said they had shit loads more money than us.  
  
**Tank**: No crap. I've seen them wear a pair of underwear once and then through it away! I'm still wearing the same goddamn underwear I was wearing last Friday!  
  
**Chip**: Dude..... It's Thursday now.  
  
**Tank**: No shirt Sherlock.  
  
**Hawk**: And why were you watching the Vampire's undergarment habits?  
  
**Rex**: Excuse me! But what the hell happened to all our money?  
  
**Tank**: SOMEBODY blew it all on Yu-gi-oh trading cards.  
  
(Everyone looks at chip)  
  
**Chip**: What?..... Ah, hell no! Don't even think of putting this one on me! I'm not the one who needed to buy that whole Sherley Temple's greatest hits collection.  
  
(Everyone looks at Hawk)  
  
**Hawk**:..... What?! It was a limited time offer!  
  
**Tank**: (Turns to Rex) In hind site..... It was probably a bad idea to get cable down here....  
  
**Rex**: At least we shouldn't have subscribed for the Home Shopping Network.  
  
**Hawk**: .....but they shined just like real diamonds!!  
  
**Tank**: Alright guys..... Settle down. I see now, that were going to have to do something about our current budget crisis if we intend to move ahead with our next attack plan.  
  
**Rex**: So what are we going to do?  
  
**Chip**: Blame Bush for the economical recession?  
  
**Everyone**:.....  
  
**Chip**: What?  
  
**Tank**: (sigh) No..... We're going to have to implement operation 'Fast Cash.'  
  
**Everyone**: (GASP)  
  
**Hawk**: You can't be serious!  
  
**Rex**: Has it really come down to this?  
  
**Chip**: Uh, what was operation 'Fast Cash?' 'Cause I don't think I was paying attention during that staff meeting.....  
  
**Tank**: (sigh) I'm afraid it really has come down to this.  
  
**Hawk**: The question is whom do we sacrifice?  
  
**Everyone**:.....  
  
**Tank**: A decision this important can only be solved one way..... (Deep breath)..... ONETWOTHREE NOT IT!!!  
  
**Chip**: Not it!  
  
**Hawk**: Not it!  
  
**Rex**: wha...ah! Not it!..... Ah, crap.....  
  
**Tank**: So it's settled then. Rex.... We'll always remember you for your sacrifice.  
  
**Rex**: Oh %&# you...  
  
(The next day on the 4th of Elm and Madison)  
  
**Rex**: (Sigh) Welcome to Rusty Burger, home of the best burgers in all of Colorado, I'm Buffard T. Rex, can I take your order.  
  
**Chip**: So this was operation 'Fast Cash?' One of us has to get a job?  
  
**Tank**: It's a sad, sad thing..... But desperate times call for desperate measures.....  
  
**Hawk**: But I got to say, Rex is looking pretty sharp in that yellow polo shirt and pointed green hat.  
  
**Rex**: I'm so going to get you dip-shits for this.  
  
**Chip**: You might want to straighten your name tag 'Buffart'  
  
**Rex**: Shut idiot! It's just a typo!  
  
**Chip**: (Snickers) Whatever you say 'Buffart'  
  
**Hawk**: So how long is he going to be here?  
  
**Tank**: Until our cash reserves fill up again.  
  
**Hawk**: Hmm, Interesting.... Want another fry?  
  
**Tank**: Don't mind if I help myself.  
  
**Chip**: So dude..... Where's my happy meal toy?  
  
**Rex**:..... I'm going to kill you.  
  
How long must the Werewolves wait until their cash supply is refueled? What are the vampires planning mean time? Will Rex ever find out who stole all of his apple juice? Are JLo and Ben Affleck really over? Well, the answer it the last question is of course YES. But stay tuned next time in our Vampire episode: **Purple Bat Down**.


	2. Purple Bat Down

Another chapter by yours truly... (Narrows eyes) I'll expect some **reviews**... Or maybe some **candy**.... Yeah, how about just the candy?

****

**Vampires: Episode 2: Purple Bat Down**   
  
**Location:**

**...  
**  
**Vampire Base** (aka: That fat ass mansion that sticks out like a sore thumb in the middle of a low class suburb): Very rich and extravagant. But seriously, sticks out like a sore thumb! If it weren't for all the money those friggin Vampires have, the Home Owners Association might have done something...  
  
In the main living room, there is only one woman in view, she is wearing fancy Blood Red clothing and sipping fine Champaign(mixed with blood).  
  
**Maxwell**: (Comes into the room, looks around awkwardly). Um, excuse me?  
  
**Claire**: (sipping Champaign on a fancy couch) Yes darling?  
  
**Maxwell**: Er... I am Maxwell DeVegga. I was sent here to replace your previous commander.  
  
**Claire**: (blink, blink) Oh... Replacing Samuel are you?  
  
**Maxwell**: Yes... A tragic loss of such a good solider.  
  
**Claire**: Huh?  
  
**Maxwell**: You know..... When Samuel was killed by the lycan?  
  
**Claire**: Killed by the Lycan?  
  
**Maxwell**: Yes, in glorious battle.  
  
**Claire**: Um, darling... Samuel isn't dead.  
  
**Maxwell**: But... the last report we received from here said he died in 'Glorious Battle' against a hundred Lycan.  
  
**Claire**: (Looks in disbelief) The report said that?  
  
**Maxwell**: (Nods his head) Yes. It says he took at least half of the fowl beasts with him before he was killed.  
  
**Claire**: (Looking irritated) Did he now?  
  
**Maxwell**: (Getting a little nervous now) Um, yes... But he's... NOT dead?  
  
**Claire**: Darling.... Who do you think writes those reports?  
  
**Maxwell**: ...  
  
**Claire**: (sigh) Samuel writes them!  
  
**Maxwell**: ... Wha... Why on earth would we report his own death?!  
  
**Claire**: (shrugs) He's a bit of a drama queen... If you've ever read any of his previous reports you'll notice he likes to... indulge...  
  
**Maxwell**: What do you mean by 'Indulge?'  
  
**Claire**: Let's put it this way sweetie; since I've been stationed here, I've held more glasses of wine in my hands than guns.  
  
**Maxwell**: ... So when was the last time your group went out hunting for Lycan?  
  
**Claire**: Hmm... What's today?  
  
**Maxwell**: The 6th.  
  
**Claire**: Then about two years.  
  
**Maxwell**: It's been two years since any of you have hunted down Lycan?!  
  
**Claire**: Well, they do occasionally come by to make trouble, but we usually just shoot at them from the upstairs windows for a while until they get bored and leave.  
  
**Maxwell**: B-but your reports!  
  
**Claire**: I TOLD you, Samuel likes to 'Indulge'...  
  
**Maxwell**: ... Oh dear...  
  
**Claire**: (Goes back to her Champaign) Well, I guess you'll be on your way now. Nobody dead, nobody to replace. (Yawn)  
  
**Maxwell**: Uh, I don't think so...  
  
**Claire**: ... Say that again?  
  
**Maxwell**: I'm here to take Samuel's place. Whether he really is dead or not.  
  
**Claire**: (Looking nervous) Is that so?  
  
**Maxwell**: Uh huh... Which means I'm in command.  
  
**Claire**: (Thinks)'This can't be good....'  
  
**Maxwell**: Which means no more lounging around drinking blood mixed Champaign.  
  
**Claire**: Crap.  
  
**Maxwell**: Now... let's get everyone assembled.

****

****

**...**

**Maxwell**:... This is everyone?  
  
**Claire**: Y'up.... Except for Samuel. He's still in his Den.  
  
**Maxwell**: Why didn't you get him?  
  
**Claire**: Believe me sweetie; NO ONE bothers Samuel while he's in his Den from 6:00 to 7:00.  
  
**Maxwell**: Why? Is he that scary?  
  
**Claire**: (Snort) Scary? Samuel?! Nobody goes in his Den at that time because..... (Whispers into Maxwell's ear)  
  
**Maxwell**: (Look of utter disgust)..... I think we'll start this meeting without him.  
  
**Claire**: Good idea.  
  
**Maxwell**: All right... (Walks up to large black man) And who might you be sir?  
  
**Charles**: I am Charles, sir. Medic and head of armory.  
  
**Maxwell**: And how is our armory?  
  
**Charles**: A dust-buster would be appreciated sir.  
  
**Maxwell**: (Sweat drops) Moving along... (Stand before a petite blonde) And who might you be?  
  
**Sophia**: I am Sophia sir.  
  
**Maxwell**: Any special traits?  
  
**Sophia**: Um... Well I'm very good at- (Claire clamps her hand over Sophia's mouth)  
  
**Claire**: (nervously) No special skills sir!  
  
**Maxwell**: ... Uh huh...  
  
**Claire**: (whispers to Sophia) Keep quite about the 'special traits.'  
  
**Sophia**: But what if he gets lonely at night? He might need my special skills?  
  
**Claire**: (sigh) (puts her face in her hands)  
  
**Maxwell**: And what about you?  
  
**Claire**: Huh?  
  
**Maxwell**: Do you have any special skills?  
  
**Claire**: (Sarcastically) My job is to stand here and look pretty, darling.  
  
**Sophia**: Hey! Samuel said that was MY job!  
  
(Everyone looks at Sophia)  
  
**Sophia**: ... What?  
  
**Maxwell**: ...Well, uh... it's just after 7:00... Someone should probably get Samuel.  
  
**Sophia**: Ew! Not me!  
  
**Charles**: I must decline as well.  
  
**Claire**: (Gives the "No Way in Hell" look)  
  
**Maxwell**: (Sigh)...  
  
(Samuel a skinny man with a large nose, eventually comes out of his Den, and comes down stairs to find everyone lined up in they're leather hunting suits)  
  
**Samuel**: Um... Did I miss something?  
  
**Maxwell**: I take it you're Samuel?  
  
**Samuel**: Yes, that would be me... And you are? (Extends his hand to Maxwell)  
  
**Maxwell**: (Looks nervously at the given hand) I am Maxwell. You're replacement.  
  
**Samuel**: (Blinks) Say wha?  
  
**Maxwell**: You're last report said you were dead.  
  
**Samuel**: Oh... Heh... I guess I got a little carried away.  
  
**Maxwell**: Yeeeaaahh..... And the part about hundreds of Lycan?  
  
**Samuel**: (ahem) My mistake.  
  
**Claire**: (Mutters) What kind of idiot reports his own death?!  
  
**Samuel**: I got carried away! I wanted to make myself look heroic.... Heh...  
  
**Maxwell**: (Looks at the report much more closely)... Wait a minute.... You wrote this thing in first person format!  
  
**Claire**: (Mumbles) What an idiot...  
  
**Samuel**: (Sweating nervously)  
  
**Maxwell**: (Dryly) Well... Since, you're supposed 'death' I've been put in charge.  
  
**Samuel**: What?!  
  
**Maxwell**: And because of your 'mistake'... the believed number of lycan here encouraged us to bring in additional support.  
  
**Sophia**: (Looks out the window) Ooooh! A helicopter! We get a helicopter!  
  
(Everyone looks out the window at the Dark Purple helicopter)  
  
**Maxwell**: Yes. The MR-12 Purple Bat, the newest addition to Crow Canyon's Arsenal.  
  
**Claire**: (Raises an eyebrow) Impressive.  
  
(Outside)  
  
**Neighbor wife**: (Taking groceries into the house) Dear, is it me or does that big mansion have a helicopter?  
  
**Neighbor Husband**: (Helping his wife) Hm... Looks like it.  
  
**Neighbor Wife**: Is that legal?  
  
**Neighbor Husband**: No.  
  
**Neighbor**: ... Okay. (Continues taking groceries inside)  
  
(Back inside)  
  
**Charles**: How did you get that here? I didn't hear any helicopter sounds.  
  
**Maxwell**: Yes... (Ahem) Well I don't actually know how to fly a helicopter myself... so we had it shipped.  
  
**Charles**: Sir... what good is a helicopter if no one knows how to use it?  
  
**Maxwell**: Er...  
  
**Claire**: (Sigh) I miss my Champaign...  
  
**Sophia**: Oh! Oh! Can I ride shotgun?!  
  
**Charlies**: I hope we don't get anymore complaints from the home owners association for this one. We spent a lot of money so they would over-look the yard gnomes.....  
  
**Maxwell**: ...  
  
**Samuel**: So wait... Does this mean the Den isn't mine anymore?!

****

**...**

So how will the Werewolves fair with the increase of the vampires ranks and arsenal? Will Samuel keep his Den? Does E really =MC2?! Find out in the next episode of Underworld: Battle for Crow Canyon Dr.!  
  
The ever illusive,  
  
**Hyper Guyver**


	3. Confrontations

Another chapter by yours truly… Reviews as you know will be much appreciated.

Also, a special thanks to RedLady, Eight, Lady Lilrin, and Paper Wound for your feedback, I really gratefully to all of you.

… Episode 3: Confrontations 

**…**

**Location**: Inside a manhole in front of the vampires base. Tank is peaking through the manhole with binoculars.

**Tank**: They've got a helicopter?! What the hell?!

**Chip**: A helicopter?! Sweet! I wanna see!

**Tank**: Quiet! I'm still spying here! … Damn. It also looks like they've got another guy there too.

**Chip**: So? It's not like they've ever gone looking for us. I mean, all they ever do is lounge about in that mansion and drink wine and stuff. I bet you there armory could use a dust-buster!

**Tank**: Well… You got a point there. But this guy… I got a bad feeling about him.

**Chip**: What do you mean?

**Tank**: I don't know… He looks like one of those suck up types… You know… The kind who actually do their job.

**Chip**: There're people like that?!

**Tank**: I know. I wouldn't have believed it myself if I hadn't seen it.

**Chip**: So should we head down and tell Hawk and Rex about this?

**Tank**: Probably. Is Rex back yet?

**Chip**: Yeah, he just finished collecting his last paycheck. (Sigh) Who knew it was possible to get fired from Rusty Burger of all places for unsanitary habits….

**Tank**: Huh? Oh, you must be thinking of Taco Bell.

**Chip**: Oh yeah… Glah… Taco Bell… Say, what exactly was it that got Rex fired?

**Tank**: Other than the fact that he lives in the sewers? And that he's the only one of us that doesn't routinely bathe?

**Chip**: Oh yeah… Actually, I noticed that while he was at work, the base actually smelled better…

**Tank**: Yeah, I noticed that too.

**Chip**:… Is this the reason why we don't have any women at our base?

**Tank**:…

**…**

**Vampire Base**:

**Maxwell**: Okay people. I know it's been a while since anyone here has actually gone hunting for Lycan, but as death dealers, it is our duty to hunt them down and destroy them. Any questions.

**Sophia**: (Raises her hand) Do these leather pants make my butt look big?

**Maxwell**: …

**Sophia**: …

**Maxwell**: (Sigh) No.

**Sophia**: (Smiles) Okay!

**Samuel**: (Raises his hand) I was wondering where all that apple juice came from?

**Maxwell**: Apple juice?

**Samuel**: Yes, there are at least seven bottles of Apple juice that mysteriously appeared in the refrigerator last night.

**Claire**: Why would we even need apple juice?

**Sophia**: Oh! That's mine!

**Claire**: You drink apple juice?

**Sophia**: Well, no… but I was wandering around one day, and I was in this really dark stinky place, and I found all this apple juice, so I brought it home with me.

**Maxwell**: … I don't even know where to begin with that one…

**Samuel**: Where was this dark stinky place anyways?

**Sophia**: (Shrugs) I don't know.

**Maxwell**: (Sigh) Moving along…

**Charles**: Sir, will we be taking the helicopter?

**Maxwell**: Well, seeing as no one knows how to fly it, I would have to say no.

**Sophia**: I can fly it.

**Claire**: Sophia darling, this isn't imagination time.

**Sophia**: Huh? Oh no! I can really fly it. (Pulls a card out of her pocket)

**Maxwell**: (Reads the card) It's a flying license. It's says you're certified in helicopters, single engine planes and commercial jets.

**Claire**: WHAT?!

**Samuel**: Is that thing real?

**Charles**: (Examines the card) It's authentic. It also says she's had over a hundred hours of clocked time in the sky before she tested for her license.

**Claire**: I don't believe this…

**Maxwell**: Oh come now. Is it that hard to believe?

**Everyone** **(except Sophia)**: (looks at Maxwell in disbelief).

**Sophia**: (In the corner smelling a vase of flowers) Flowers are nice…

**Claire**: Those are fake darling.

**Sophia**: Okay. (Continues to smell them)

**Maxwell**: …

**…**

**Werewolf Base**:

**Rex**: So they've got a copter now?

**Tank**: Looks like it. They may also be planning something so we should keep ourselves on the ready. Hawk, how is our weapon supply looking?

**Hawk**: Um, we actually have some?

**Tank**: Better than I expected. Rex, what is the status of the base defenses?

**Rex**: Defenses?

**Tank**: Same as usual I take it then. And chip?

**Chip**: Yeah?

**Tank**: … Sorry, I ran out of questions to ask.

**Chip**: …

**Hawk**: So what should we do now?

**Tank**: Keep an eye out on the base I guess. I heard we got running water again, so were going to clean up now.

**Rex**: Clean? At a time like this? Why?

**Tank**: … Grab him!

(Hawk, Tank, and Chip grab Rex and drag him into the bathroom)

**Rex**: No! It burns! It burns! I'm meeellllttttiiinnggg!!! Meeeellllttttiinnnggg!!!

**Chip**: God, what a baby…

**Tank**: Man, this is only going to get worse when we pull out the shampoo.

**Hawk**: Oh my god! Get a load of this! Rex is white!

**Chip**: Holy crap! I thought he was black!

**Tank**: … Rex.

**Rex**: (growls) what?

**Tank**: This has been a long time coming. (Pulls out a bottle of shampoo)

**Chip**: I bet you his hair is blonde!

**Hawk**: Only one way to find out…

**Rex**: God help me…

**…**

**Vampire Base**: (NIGHT TIME)

**Maxwell**: Okay, is everything set? Charles and Samuel with take the ground search, while Claire, Sophia and I look around from the helicopter.

**Charles**: Understood.

**Samue**l: D-do we have to? I mean, what if we actually run into the Lycan?

**Maxwell**: You. Shoot. Them.

**Samuel**: Oh…

**Claire**: (Mutters) At least I don't actually have to do anything.

**Maxwell**: And Claire: You'll be look out while were in the copter. (Hands her a pair of binoculars)

**Claire**: (Mumbles) Son of a bitch…

**Maxwell**: I'm sorry, I didn't catch that.

**Claire**: (Fake smile) Nothing!

**Sophia**: Okay! I'm ready to go! (Wearing an old fashioned aviator uniform, including, brown leather jacket(with cleavage) and goggles)

**Maxwell**: Somebody up in command must really hate me…

**…**

**Werewolf Base**:

**Rex**: (All clean now) I hate you guys.

**Chip**: Is it me or do the sewers suddenly smell a lot cleaner?

**Tank**: Why chip, I do believe you're correct!

**Rex**: You guys are assholes.

**Hawk**: (Looking through a manhole in the roof.) Uh oh…

**Tank**: What is it?

**Hawk**: It looks like they're preparing a search party. They've got two guys on the ground and three in that new copter.

**Chip**: Why would they put more people in the helicopter than on the ground?

**…**

**Charles**: Sir?

**Maxwell**: Yes?

**Charles**: I was curious sir, why are there more people in the helicopter than on the ground?

**Maxwell**: It's very simple really. We need a pilot to fly the copter, and we need someone to watch the ground.

**Charles**: And the third?

**Maxwell**: Um, to keep an eye on the pilot.

**Sophia**: (in the cockpit) Vroom! Vroom! Rrrrrrgggggg!!!!

**Charles**: Oh.

**…**

Outside Werewolf Base: 

**Tank**: Okay guys, here's the plan. Were going to scatter out. Rex and I will both go alone while Hawk and Chip stick together with the rocket launcher.

**Rex**: Where'd we get the rocket launcher anyways?

**Chip**: I thought it came from one of Hawk's Middle Eastern relatives.

**Hawk**: What? I'm not Middle Eastern!

**Chip**: You're not?

**Hawk**: I'm a Native American you idiot! My family was part of the Apache tribe!

**Rex**: Wow, learn something new everyday…

**Tank**: No kidding, here I thought he was Mexican.

**Hawk**: … You guys suck …

**…**(Maxwell, Sophia, and Claire are up in the helicopter while Samuel and Charles are on the ground)

**Maxwell**: (On the radio) Purple Bat to ground forces, Purple bat to ground forces, please respond ground forces. Over.

**Charles**: This is Charles, I read you sir.

**Maxwell**: Good, and make sure you end every transmission with Over…. Over.

**Charles**: Understood, Over.

**Samuel**: So when is this going to be over? Er, over.

**Maxwell**: It'll be over when we have hunted down the Lycan of this area. So don't ask when it'll be over, until I say it will over…. (Sigh) Over.

**Charles**: Any signs of Lycan activity? Over.

**Maxwell**: Nothing to rep-

**Claire**: Wait! I think I see something! Over.

**Maxwell**: Where?

**Claire**: I see two of them. By that house, over there!… over.

**Sophia**: (Smiling happily) Going in!

**Maxwell**: Wait! Don't take us in too low! The trees! The Trees!

**…**

**Chip**: Uh, oh… Here they come.

**Hawk**: Okay, Rocket launcher is ready. Remember, we only have one shot at this, so make it count.

**Chip**: (Aims the rocket launcher) Kiss you're vampiric butts goodbye!

**Hawk**: Hey! That was a good line!

**Chip**: Really? I guess I'll have to remember that one for later.

**…**

(In the copter)

**Claire**: Maxwell darling?

**Maxwell**: Yes?

**Claire**: Is it me, or is that a rocket launcher that Lycan is aiming at us?

**Maxwell**: (Looks through the binoculars) … Oh shit.

**Claire**: Well put.

**…**

**Chip**: Ready… Aim…

**Hawk**: Fire!

**Chip**: (Fires Rocket Launcher)

**…**

**Maxwell**: Evasive maneuvers!!

**Sophia**: Righty-O!

**Claire**: WHERE GOING TO DIE!!

(The helicopter moves to the side, avoiding the rocket)

**…**

**Hawk**: … You missed.

**Chip**: …

**…**

**Claire**: (Looking at Sophia) I can't believe it… You actually did something right!

**Sophia**: (Smiling) Thank you!

**Maxwell**: Yes, very good!

**Sophia**: (Smiling and not really paying attention to what she's doing) Oh thank you sir!

**Claire**: Ah! LOOK OUT!! TREE! TREE!!

**Sophia**: Huh?

**…**

(Hawk and Chip watch as the helicopter crashes into a nearby tree and then plummets a whole thirty feet to the ground.)

**Hawk**: Well… It wasn't a total loss… I guess…

**…**

(A quarter of a mile away, on Galager rd and Main ave)

There is a black and white vehicle with a star logo and the words "Fremont sheriff's department." Written on it.

**Officer 1**: So anyways, I say to the guy, 'Look pal, there is no such thing as sea monsters. We're not even anywhere near the sea.'

**Officer 2**: And then what?

**Officer 1**: Well then he goes 'What about werewolves and vampires?'

**Officer 2**: And?

**Officer 1**: Then I tell him, 'Well then you're on your own. I ain't getting anywhere near that crazy shit.'

**Officer 2**: Oh yeah, I was meaning to ask you. Did you ever get that bullet wound checked out?

**Officer 1**: Yeah… It was silver all right.

**Officer 2**: That's some tough luck there- Say… What's that thing up there in the sky?

**Officer 1**: Huh? Oh, looks like a rocket….

**Officer 2**: Coming right at us?

**Officer 1**: Y'up.

**Officer 2**: …

**Officer 1**: …

**Officer 1**: Wait a second….

**Officer 2**: RUN FOR IT!!!!

(Both officers jump out of the car and run for they're lives.)

BOOOOM!!!! 

(The patrol car lands back on the ground in flaming ruins.)

**Officer 1**: (cough, cough) So… Do you want to report this one? Or should I?

**Officer 2**: (cough, cough) Actually… I'd rather just go get some donuts…

**Officer 1**: … Okay.

**…**

(Claire, Maxwell, and Sophia climb out of the Helicopter)

**Claire**: I should have seen that coming…

**Maxwell**: Well… It's not TOO bad… Easily enough to repair.

**Sophia**: That was fun! Can we do that again!

**Claire**: (Pulls out her guns) I swear to god I'll put a bullet through her head right now. I'll-

**Maxwell**: (Restrains Claire) Now, now… um… we're all entitled… to a few… mistakes…

**Claire**: … (Notices Chip and Hawk standing in front of them dumbfounded) Lycan!

**Chip and Hawk**: EEP! (They run away)

**Maxwell**: Quickly, spread out and follow them!

**…**

(Inside the Neighbor's houses, in their bed)

**Neighbor's Wife**: Honey?

**Neighbor's Husband**: Hm?

**Neighbor's Wife**: Did a purple helicopter just crash in our backyard?

**Neighbor's Husband**: Probably.

**Neighbor's Wife**: Well aren't you going to do something about it?

**Neighbor's Husband**: It's two in the morning I'll take care of it later.

**…**

**Samuel**: (Holding an assault rifle and shaking nervously)

**Claire**: (Runs up to Samuel) Samuel!

**Samuel**: BAH!! (Turns to face Claire and pulls the trigger)

**Claire**: Okay… Three things.

1) The safety is still on.

2) You didn't put a clip in the gun.

3) DID YOU JUST TRY AND SHOOT ME?!!!!

**Samuel**: S-sorry, I-I got surprised.

**Claire**: (Eye twitching) ANYWAYS…. Have you seen any of the Lycan?

**Samuel**: N-no… Are they around here?!

**Claire**: There were two of them, but they split up. (Points at the backyard of another house) I think I saw one of them go that way.

**Samuel**: O-okay.

**Claire**: … Let's go Samuel.

**Samuel**: I don't want to.

**Claire**: (Pulls a clip out of Samuels belt and puts it in his gun) Okay now?

**Samuel**: No.

**Claire**: (Sigh) (Pulls her gun out and aims it at his head) Ready NOW?

**Samuel**: Quite.

(Samuel leads the way into the backyard.)

**Samuel**: It's so dark in here I can barely see.

**Claire**: Just keep your gun pointed forward.

**Samuel**: I'm surprised nobody has gotten out of bed to see what's going on.

**Claire**: This is a suburb. Nobody in their right mind gets out of bed before 6:00.

(A sound comes from behind some bushes in the corner of the yard)

**Claire**: Come on, go check it out.

**Samuel**: B-but…

**Claire**: (Glares at him)

**Samuel**: Fine…

(Samuels walks over to the dark bush and inspects it)

**Samuel**: (Turns around quickly) Wellnolycanherelet'sgo!

**The Bush**: Gggggrrrrrrrr

**Samuel**: GAH!! LYCAN!!! (Runs away)

**Claire**: Idiot!  
  
**The Bush**: Grr…

**Claire**: (Pulls out her gun nervously) come out now!

**The Bush**: Gggggrr…

**Claire**: (Shaking) Come out NOW!

**The bush**: (A golden retriever pops out of the bush)

**Claire**: (Lowers her gun with a relieved sigh) Aw! Well aren't you just the cutest thing! (Puts her gun away)

**Dog**: (Walks over to Claire to be petted)

**Claire**: (Petting the dog) You're a good doggy aren't you. You're not a ferocious lycan that's going to tear me limb from limb, are you.

**Werewolf Tank**: (Comes up behind Claire) Grrrrr….

**Claire**: (Blink, blink)….

**Werewolf Tank**: Gggggrrrrr…

**Claire**: (Turns around slowly.)

**Werewolf Tank**: (Looks down at Claire)

**Claire**: (Looks up at Werewolf Tank) Eep…

**…**

(Behind one of the houses)

**Chip**: (Huff, huff) Okay… I lost them…

**Hawk**: (huff… huff) Same here.

**Rex**: I sort of lost 'em.

**Chip**: Huh?

**Rex**: Well, I was hiding, and I saw this skinny blonde guy running around screaming, so I jumped out of the bushes and scared the hell out of him!

**Hawk**: And he didn't shoot you?

**Rex**: Nope. In fact, I'm pretty sure he pissed his pants.

**Chip**: Score! But… Where's Tank?

**Rex**: …

**Hawk**: …

**Chip**: …

**…**

**Claire**: (smirks) Not bad.

**Tank**: Huh? (Looks down) GAH! (Starts looking for his pants)

**…**

**Chip**: I'm pretty sure Tank can handle himself.

**Rex**: Right. They're just five vampires, with advanced weapons. I'm pretty sure he can handle it.

**Chip**: …

**Rex**: …

**Hawk**: … So you guys want to head back to base? This is getting kinda boring now. I mean… They're helicopters broken and all now… What's the point?

**Chip and Rex**: Okay.

**…**

**Vampire Base**:  
  
**Maxwell**: (Sigh) Okay… So we had some minor set back with our first operation. But we've got a crew that's picking up the helicopter and bringing it back. So it's no real big loss… So… did anybody find any Lycan?

**Charles**: I was chasing after one for a while, but I lost him after I saw Samuel running around screaming. That's when a second Lycan appeared and Samuel proceeded to wet himself.

**Samuel**: (With a towel wrapped around his waist) …

**Charles**: While helping Samuel, I lost site of the second Lycan.

**Maxwell**: Well… That's not TOO bad…

**Sophia**: I found some pretty flowers! (Holds up a bouquet of flowers)

**Samuel**: Aren't those from OUR flowerbed?

**Sophia**: … Oh! So they are!

**Maxwell**: …

**Claire**: I didn't spot any Lycan after Samuel ran away and peed himself.

**Maxwell**: You didn't find anything?

**Claire**: Not a thing.

**Sophia**: Say Claire, why is your lipstick smudged?

**Claire**: Uh… Er…

**…**

**Werewolf Base**:

**Tank**: Okay. I'm back.

**Chip**: Oh, hey cool you're not dead!

**Tank**: Uh, no. I'm not.

**Rex**: Damn! (Hands five bucks to Hawk)

**Tank**: … Anyways… The Copters down, so…

**Chip**: Y'up.

**Tank**: And none of us are dead or anything…

**Rex**: We're pretty sure of that.

**Tank**: So… I guess you could say…

**Chip, Hawk, and Rex**: (looking excited/anxious)

**Tank**: … Mission accomplished.

**Everyone**: (Begin to party) Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Who let the dogs out! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Who Let the Dogs Out! Woof-(and you know how the rest goes)

**Chip**: (While partying) Hey Tank… What's that red stuff on your lips?

**Tank**: Huh? Er… Nothing…

**Rex**: Let's break open the apple juice!!!!

**Everyone**: …

**…**

So how will the vampires recover from this humiliating defeat? How will the werewolves fair after this humiliating victory? Who likes dancing in the moonlight? Is it really such a fun and natural sight?

The ever illusive,  
  
Hyper Guyver


	4. Passages and Cheesecake

Review!!! REVIEW!!!! ... It I hadn't made it clear before. I LIKE IT when YOU review.

**Episode 4: Passages and Cheesecake. **

...

**Location: Vampire Base:** Armory, in the first floor of the sub-basements.

**Charles**: (Cleaning up with a dust-buster)

**Maxwell**: (Comes into the Armory.) Ah, Charles! How are things coming in the Armory?

**Charles**: Much better now with the dust-buster sir.

**Maxwell**: ... Um, yes. Very good then.

**Charles**: And how are things upstairs sir?

**Maxwell**: Hm? Oh, they're progressing nicely. The Helicopter should be repaired within another day or so.

**Charles**: Very good sir. And where shall we progress from there?

**Maxwell**: I'm still planning that out... After going over our last attempt. I'm trying to make revisions here and there. (Mumbles) That and the fact that it takes more paperwork to fill out than instigating a nuclear strike...

**Charles**: Very good sir.

**Maxwell**: Um... By the way...

**Charles**: Hm?  
  
**Maxwell**: Have you seen Claire anywhere?

...

**Location**: In the bushes behind a neighbor's house. NIGHT TIME.

**Claire**: Mmmhh...

**Tank**: Mmmmhh...

**Claire**: Wow...

**Tank**: So... Good...

**Claire**: Oh yeah...

**Tank**: Mmh!

**Claire**: Ugghh....

**Tank**: That was just... incredible...

**Claire**: Yeah... I'm going to seriously need to find out where Sophia got this Cheesecake recipe.

**Tank**: (Licking the crumbs off his plate) Really, that was good stuff...

**Claire**: Hm...

**Tank**: ...

**Claire**: ...

**Tank**: So are we going to get it on or what?

**Claire**: ...Okay.

...

**Location: Werewolf Base:** Rex, Hawk, and Chip are sitting around they're briefing table. (It's actually just a sheet of plywood held up by a couple of milk cartons.)

**Rex**: So when are we going to start this thing meeting?

**Hawk**: Hold on! We have to wait for Tank to get back.

**Rex**: (mutters) Damn it...

**Chip**: Where'd he go anyways?

**Hawk**: Um, I'm not quite sure. I think he said he was going to the store to get some Windex.

**Chip**: Oh.

**Everyone**: ...

**Chip**: Wait... Do we even have windows?

**Everyone**: ...

**Rex**: (Groans) Can we just get on with the stinking mission already?!

**Hawk**: (sigh) I still think we should wait for Tank to get back.

**Rex**: (irritated) So what are we going to do until then?!

**Hawk**: Well, I was thinking about addressing the issue of who's been using chalk to draw pictures of monkey's slapping themselves on the ass.

**Rex**: What?!

**Chip**: Oops... Heh, sorry about that. I got a little drunk the other day and started drawing pictures of Monkey's slapping themselves on the butt.

**Rex and Hawk**: ...

**Chip**: Well... it was funny at the time! ... Besides... It's not THAT big of a deal...

**Hawk**: Well, since you're still kind of the new guy around here, I guess no one told you about Tank's deep seeded fear of Monkeys then.

**Chip**: ... Say that again?

**Rex**: Uh, it's kind of a weird story. It's happened on a mission a while back.

**Hawk**: Here, I'll explain it.

**Flashback **

**Chip**: A flashback?! SWEET!!!

(Ahem) **FLASH BACK!**

**Hawk Narration**: _The Hudson River... Two years ago. We had classified information that a new type of Metal Gear was scheduled for transport.... The whole things stank... But our noses had been out in the cold for too long._

**Rex Narration**: _I swear to god! If you start reciting lines from that stupid video game one more %&#)ing time I'm going to cram that game disk so far up you're ass you'll be coughing up plastic!!!_

**Hawk Narration**: _(Ahem)... Uh... (ahem) Four years ago. Tank, Rex and I were on a mission in San Diego. Were we supposed to raid a Vampire scout post hidden in the local zoo._

**Chip Narration**: _Why the zoo?_

**Hawk Narration**: _The nocturnal house there was humongous!_

**Chip Narration**: _Oh. (still doesn't make any sense)_

**Hawk Narration**: _Anyways... we were stealthily making our way to their hide out..._

**Rex**: SON OF A BITCH!!! I stepped in God damned giraffe poop again!

**Hawk and Tank**: (sigh)...

**Hawk Narration**: _Anyways... there were Vampire guards out dressed as Zoo security..._

**Rex Narration**: _Actually, we never really checked if they were Vampires or not, we just sort of snuck up, beat the living crap out of them and dropped their unconscious bodies into one of the nearby cages. _

**Hawk Narration**_: Looking back on it, it probably wasn't the best idea to leave them in the reptile exhibits. _

**Chip Narration**: _Why?_

**Rex Narration**: _One word... Anaconda._

**Chip Narration**: _Oh..._

**Hawk Narration**: _So anyways... we made our way to the Nocturnal house..._

**Rex**: So how much farther?!

**Tank**: Stop griping! Jeeze... (Sigh) looks like the security at the front entrance is too heavily guarded... we'd never make it.

**Hawk**: I saw a side entrance to the north. If we pass through the primate exhibit, we should be able to get inside with no problems.

**Hawk Narration**: _(sigh) So, we went for the side entrance..._

**In front of the Primate exhibit**

**Monkeys**: (jumping around screeching and baring they're little fangs)

**Hawk**: So... Rex. You wanna go first?

**Rex**: ... No Hawk. To be perfectly honest, I DON'T wanna go first.

**Tank**: (sigh) If you two are going to be such babies, I'LL go first!

**Hawk and Rex**: Okay!

**Tank**: (sighs) Wimps... (Opens the cage and climbs in.) So where's this side entrance.

**Hawk**: It's at the very back wall.

**Tank**: Fine. (Begins to head in... then gets slightly nervous)... Uh, what are they doing?

**Monkeys**: (Deafly quite. Staring at Tank from they're perches with haunted looks)

**Rex**: Heh... I saw something like this in a Discovery Channel special. These animals were acting all wild and crazy until they spotted some prey and then went deafly silent before striking.

**Tank**: (Sweating nervously) Yeah... But that was for like... hyenas or something right?

**Rex**: Nah... It was a special about Monkeys.

**Tank**: ...

**Monkeys**: (Scream, lunge and attack Tank)

**Tank**: AAAAAGGGHHHH!!! Get 'em off! GET 'EM OFF!!!!

**Rex**: Wow... It's like they instinctively know to go for the throat...

**Hawk**: We SERIOUSLY need to watch the discovery channel more often.

**Tank**: AGGH!!! HELP ME YOU IDIOTS!!!

**Hawk**: Hold on Tank! We're coming!

**Monkey**: (Turns and hisses at Rex and Hawk)

**Rex**: Screw that!

**Rex and Hawk**: (Run for they're lives)

**Chip Narration**: _So you just left him there?_

**Hawk Narration**: _(ahem) Well... Uh, you see..._

**Rex Narration**: _It was him or us! There's not a jury that would have convicted us! (Mumbles) ...In Connecticut...._

**Hawk Narration**: _Anyways... Couple days later, Tank made it back... And aside from the several missing junks of skin, a pint of blood, and a severe(near crippling) phobia of monkeys, he was perfectly fine._

**Chip Narration**: ... Huh... I wonder why the monkey's attacked him in the first place...

...

**Vampire Base:**

**Samuel**: ...And that's why Monkeys hate Lycan.

**Sophia**: Wow... I didn't know animals could be instinctively programmed to hate Lycan. Are there any other creatures aside from Monkeys?

**Samuel**: Well... No. It's really just the monkeys.

**Sophia**: Why monkeys?

**Samuel**: (Shrugs) Why is the sky blue? Why did Van Gogh kill himself? Why did they make a movie out of Starsky and Hutch? (Shrugs) Nobody knows.

**Sophia**: But the sky is blue because the oxygen and nitrogen molecules in the atmosphere reflect blue light into our eyes, Van Gogh killed himself because he suffered from a number of possible mental illnesses and depressions, and they made a movie out of Starsky and Hutch because Hollywood is running out of original ideas.

**Samuel**: ...

**Sophia**: ... What?

...

Back to the Bushes... 

**Tank**: (Putting his pants back on) Weh... We're gonna have to do this more often...

**Claire**: (Buttoning up her blouse) Sure... But I just want to make one thing clear before we start doing this again.

**Tank**: (Thinking) Crap... (Out loud) And that would be?

**Claire**: I'm not looking for a relationship here or anything got it? I'm just looking for a... quick fix if you know what I mean?

**Tank**: So... you're saying that you don't want any kind of relationship or emotional attachment...But you still want all the sex, making-out and other 'benefits?'

**Claire**: Yeah... That about sums it up.... Uh... Are... are you crying?

**Tank**: (Teary eyed)... I'm... I'm just so HAPPY!!!

**Claire**: ???

...

**Werewolves Base:**

**Rex**: (Whining) Can we pleeeaaase start the briefing now?!

**Hawk**: (sigh) All right, fine! ... Okay, our original plan before we got side tracked was to infiltrate the vampire's base and sabotage as much of their equipment as possible.

**Rex**: I like that plan... Just one little, itsy bitsy problem.

**Hawk**: (sigh) What?

**Rex**: How the hell do we get into the goddamn base?!

**Hawk**: ... Um.

**Rex**: Ha! Didn't think about that one did ya!

**Chip**: Why don't we just use the secret passageway?

**Hawk**: Yes! The secret passa-... Wait... (Turns to chip) What secret passageway?

**Chip**: You know... The secret passageway underneath the Vampire's base.

**Rex**: What? There's no secret passageway into the vampires bases!

**Chip**: Sure there is! I found it a couple of days after I was stationed with you guys.

**Hawk**: ... But why didn't you tell us about it?!

**Chip**: (Shrugs) I don't remember... I guess I just forgot.

**Rex**: ...

**Hawk**: ...

**Chip**: ... So... Who's up for a game of Yu-Gi-Oh?

...

**Vampire Base: Living room**: Maxwell and Sophia are sitting in there.

**Claire**: (Comes walking in the front entrance) Yawn...

**Maxwell**: Where have you been? I've been trying to get everyone together to discuss our next plan of attack!

**Claire**: (Shrugs) I was out.

**Maxwell**: (Crosses arms over his chest) Doing what?

**Claire**: (Shrugs) A lycan.

**Maxwell**: Oh, ha, ha... Very funny. I guess now you'll be telling me that dirty oaf I saw at the Rusty Burger was really a lycan in disguise.

**Claire**: (Shrugs) whatever... (Heads upstairs)

**Maxwell**: Hmph!

**Sophia**: So what's a Rusty burger like? I mean... It'd probably taste really awful with all that rust on it... Not very sanitary either...

**Maxwell**: ...

...

**Werewolf base:**

**Tank**: Hey guys I'm back.

**Rex**: About time! Where the hell have you been?!

**Tank**: (Blandly) Screwing your mom.

**Rex**: Damnit! She said she was going to stop doing that for money!

**Everyone**: ...

**Rex**: Wait... You were... Joking weren't you?

**Tank**: Yeah.

**Rex**: Heh... Uh... So... So was I! Ha... ha... (Sigh) Damn it.

**Hawk**: Anyways. Were just finishing up our plan on how to infiltrate the Vampire's base.

**Tank**: I thought we were still trying to figure out a way into the base.

**Hawk**: We have one.

**Tank**: !!!

...

Some time later, in another part of the sewers.

**Tank**: So this leads right underneath the vampire's base?

**Chip**: Yep. Right down this passage there's a big metal door with a big V on it.

**Rex**: All right! Let's go!

**Tank**: Seriously man. Why didn't you tell us about this sooner?

**Chip**: I don't know... Like I said, I guess I just forgot.

**Tank**: ...

Everyone heads down the passage, coming up to the metal door.

**Hawk**: It's almost TOO easy.

**Tank**: Think maybe we should wait and think about this first?

**Everyone**: ...

**Rex**: (pfft!) Screw that! I'm going in! (Begins to tug at the door)

**Chip**: You know... I think I'm starting to remember why I didn't mention this place sooner...

**Hawk**: (Giving chip an odd look) you are?

**Chip**: Yeah... I think...

**Rex**: (Tugs harder on the door)

**Chip**: (snaps his fingers) I remember now!

**Door**: (click)

**Chip**: It's because the door is booby-trapped.

**Everyone**: ...

Machine gun turrets pop out of the walls everywhere.

**Tank**: (sigh) And the day started off so well...

**Machine guns**: (Targets the werewolves and begins firing)

**Hawk**: RUN FOR IT!!!!

Everyone scrambles out of the passageway while machine gun fire comes at them from behind.

**Chip**: (Running) One more thing guys! There's also a lot of-

(Click)

**Chip**: (Falling) Trapdoooooooorrrrssss.... (Thump)

**Rex**: Oh sh-(Falls though a trap door) iiiiiittttt!!!!!

**Hawk**: (huff) I suddenly (huff, huff) realized (huff) that this wasn't (huff) a very well thought out plan!

A trap door springs open, but Hawk leaps over it.

**Hawk**: Ha ha ha ha!!! I'm not THAT st-

Another trap door opens right where Hawk was landing.

**Hawk**: (Falling) upiiiiiidddd....

**Tank**: Well... I guess that just leaves-

(click)

**Tank**: Mmmmmeeeeeeeee...

(Thump)

**Tank**: (groans) Oh man... (Gets up and looks around the dark room...) Where the hell...

Suddenly, Tank sees at least a dozen glowing eyes staring at him.

**Tank**: (gulp) Uh... nice... w-whatever you ares...

**Glowing eyes**: (Begin to get closer)

**Tank**: (Mumblings) Don'tbemonkeys Don'tbemonkeys Don'tbemonkeys!!!!

The glowing eyes step closer, revealing them to be a large pack of Dobermans.

**Tank**: (Phew) Thank god... They're just a pack of Dobermans... (Sigh) At least they're not monkeys...

...

**Tank**: Wait a minute...

**Dobermans**: (Begin to growl)

**Tank**: N-nice doggies... (Begins to make warding gestures with his hands)

**Dobermans**: (Growl even more fiercely)

**Tank**: (Sigh) You know what... Screw this! (Growls even more fiercely at the Dobermans)

**Dobermans**: Eep! (Run away)

**Tank**: (sigh) Now how the hell do I get out of here...

...

**Chip**: (Groans) Damn... that was one hell of a fall! (Looks around)

Notices he's in a dimly lit passageway. On one end of the passageway there is a door that says EXIT. Several feet in front of the door there is a series of saws, blades, and spikes twirling around, shooting in and out and spinning around like buzz saws. There are two ends to this passage. Want to guess which side Chip is on?

Chip: ... (Looks at all the blades, spikes and other assortment of pointy and most definitely painful objects)... This... this is SO COOL!!!! It's like RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARC!!!!

**Chip**: (Takes several steps back and then runs forward. He jumps, flips, corkscrews, and performs a number of acrobatic feats before landing on the opposite end in front of the exit.) OH YEAH!!!! Indiana Jones ain't got nothing on this!! And not a scratch on me!!! BOOYAH!!!!

**Chip**: (Heads to the exit. Completely oblivious of the fact that the back of his shirt and pants are shredded)

...

**Rex**: (Groan) Man... That is the absolute LAST time I Irish up my apple juice... (Blinks several times before realizing where he is) Ah damn it...

Rex gets up off the ground and notices that he is in square room. On one wall there is a large door, which appears to be locked. Several feet in front of the door there is a Stone pedestal with a single piece of paper on it.

**Rex**: (Plucks the paper off the pedestal and reads it) Dear Lycan Scum... If you are reading this, then it means that you have tried to gain entrance into our base. Also, if you are reading this, it means you have also FAILED to get in our base! ... If you wish to escape with your life, then you must first solve these puzzles three! ... They will test you're dull primitive mind beyond all recognition, if you wish to unlock the door, you must first solves these puzzles...

Rex looks over at the opposites wall facing the door and notices three very complex looking puzzles on the wall.

**Rex**: (Continues reading) But, because you are a dull idiot. You will never survive. HA. HA. HA.

-Samuel

PS: The two adjoining walls will also sprout spikes to kill you if you do not finish in time.

**Rex**: ...

**Walls**: (Spikes suddenly protrude and begin to inch closer to the center of the room.

**Rex**: (Looks over at the puzzles, then the door, and then the paper... And then repeats the process several times)... Screw this! (Bunches up the paper and tosses it over his shoulder)

Rex Then morphs into Werewolf Rex! 

**Werewolf Rex**: (Rips the pedestal out of the ground and flings it at the door, causing the door to bust open.

Rex turns back to normal and walks out of the room, whistling all the way.

...

Hawk is standing in the middle of what looks like a complex maze.

**Hawk**: (sigh) I bet the vampires are just laughing this up...

...

**In the armory:**

**Charles**: (Is busy polishing the gun racks)

...

**Samuel's room**:

**Samuel**: (On a bike machine, with an excessively large sweatband on his hand. He appears to be watching... Jerry Springer?) That's right bubba... You show her who's boss!

...

**Sophia's Room**:

**Sophia**: (Rearranging her socket puppet collection... Please don't ask.)

...

**In the main office**:

**Maxwell**: (Filing paperwork, citations, notes, bills, taxes, dirty laundry and crock-pot recipes)

...

**Hawk**: (sigh) It'll probably take me forever to get out of this... Hmmm... Maybe if I commune with several of my ancestors... They'll Guide me out of this labyrinth!

**Hawk Proceeds to get into a cross-legged position. After a moment of silence he begins to perform a ritual chant... You know... those ritual India-(ahem) I mean Native American ritual things... You know... where they summon one of their spiritual ancestors... THAT ritual stuff... What?! I don't know how to explain it! **

**Hawk**: (Meditating) Oh great ancestors of old... Lend me your ears... your eyes... And... What the heck, your noses too...

**Suddenly the room changes colors and Hawk suddenly appears to be floating on a cloud in the middle of an open sky. And elderly man appears, slightly transparent.**

**Grandfather Hawk**: Grandson... You have called for me.

**Hawk**: (Nods) Yes Grandfather... I require your assistance.

**Grandfather Hawk**: (Sigh) Figures... Its not like I should have expected you to come visit me just for the hell of it.

**Hawk**: Er...

**Grandfather**: I mean... It you never visited while I was alive... I why should I expect you to come see me in the after life?

**Hawk**: (Irritated sigh) Grandfather...

**Grandfather**: Young people today! Why back in my day, an elder was shown proper respect! He was appreciated for his age and wisdom...

**Hawk**: ... (Mutters) Is going to take a while?

**Grandfather**: That brings me to another thing! What is it with you kids and your baggy pants? And get a belt buckle for god sake! I don't need to know whether your wearing Kelvin Kline or Fruit of the Loom!

...

**Some time later...**

**Hawk**: Are you finished now?

**Grandfather**: All right, all right... What is it you want you ingrate.

**Hawk**: ... THIS is why I never visited you when you were alive.

**Grandfather**: Get to the point already!

**Hawk**: Can you just help guide me through this stink'in maze already?! My God! I probably could have found my own way out by now!

**Grandfather**: Is that all? Just take the passage to your left, take the third right and make another left. There will be a big door surrounded by neon lights labeled "Exit."

**Hawk**: Are you kidding me?

**Grandfather**: Do I LOOK like I'm kidding you?

**Hawk**: Well... It's kind of hard to say... you know... You being transparent and all...

**Grandfather**: Oh right... Anyways, blah, blah, blah, blah... words of wisdom and all that other crap. Now get the hell out of the Spirit World!

**Hawk**: (Irritated look) Thanks grandfather...

Hawk makes his way back to the real world.

**Hawk**: Rest In Peace my ass...

**Grandfather's Voice**: Ingrate!

**Hawk**: (sigh)

Hawk proceeds to follow the path out of the maze.

...

Tank is still wandering through the dark corridor.

**Tank**: (Sigh) And the day started off so well... Damn it! Does this corridor have an exit or what?!  
  
**Tank suddenly trips on a flight of stairs.**

**Tank**: What the... (Begins to climb up the stairs)

At the top of the stairs there is a short passage leading to a large wooden door.

**Tank**: Crap... this seems almost... TOO easy...

...

**Tank**: Aw screw it. (Heads for the door and tries to open it) Come on open you stupid son of a-

(Click)

**Tank**: ... Why does this feel horribly familiar all of a sudden?

**Claire**: (Opens the door from the other side) –what is going on?! (Notices Tank) What the hell are you doing in my closet?!

**Tank**: ... Closet?

**Claire**: Yes! My closet! How the hell did you even get in here?

Tank looks around and finds that he appears to be in Claire's room.

**Tank**: But... I fell down a trap door! There was a long dark passage... attack dogs!

**Claire**: (Shrugs) What can I say? I need a lot of space for my clothes.

**Tank**: And the attack dogs?

**Claire**: I have VERY expensive shoes in there. I wouldn't want anyone to steal them.

**Tank**: ...

**Claire**: So you DIDN'T come here to make-out?

**Tank**: No. I got stuck in here because of some stupid trapdo- Wait... what was that about making-out?

...

**Sometime later back at the Werewolf base**: Chip, Rex and Hawk are sitting in the middle of the room... Hawk is helping to re-stitch Chip's clothes.

**Hawk**: Well... I sure as hell wouldn't mind getting temporary memory lost to forget this little debacle...

**Rex**: At least I broke something when I escaped...

**Chip**: That was so freak'in cool! I mean! I was like all Jackie Chan and stuff, jumping over spikes, ducking blades. It was awesome!!

**Rex and Hawk**: ...

**Chip**: Well... You know... Except for the part where I nearly got ripped to shreds...

**Rex**: Hey... Is that a Tattoo on your butt?

**Chip**: N-no!

**Hawk**: Hey yeah... It is! It says... "Blue eyes, white dragon forever?" What the hell is that?

**Chip**: ...

Tank comes walking in.

**Tank**: Hey guys...

**Chip**: Oh hey! You're alive!

**Rex**: Damn it! (Hands Hawk twenty bucks) Damn man! One of these days you're seriously going to have to die! I can't keep loosing my money like this!

**Tank**: ...

**Hawk**: Anyways... You okay?

**Tank**: (Shrugs) I'm fine.

**Rex**: This was a disaster...

**Tank**: (Shrugs) ... It wasn't that bad...

**Everyone**: ...

Tank heads to his room.

**Rex**: (sigh) I bet those Vampires are laughing it up right now...

...

**Vampire Base: **

**Maxwell**: (Still going through papers) ... Bill... Bill... advertisement to enlarge my penis... Bill... I may have just won 32 million dollars... Bill... Old blue prints for various booby traps and security measures below the base... Bill... Wait a minute... (Looks back at the blue prints and reads them eagerly)... This... this is...! ...Oh wait, Samuel wrote these.

**Maxwell shrugs and throws the blue prints into the trash can. **

**Maxwell**: Now where was I? Oh right... Bill... Bill...Oh! Coupons to Rusty Burger! All right!

...

And so ends another wonderful chapter from yours truly... Will the Werewolves ever infiltrate the Vampire base? Will the vampires be able to wade through the see of paper work needed to progress to their next plan? Hell! Even I don't know!

The ever illusive,  
  
**Hyper Guyver**


	5. Special: What the Hell

**Episode Special: What the Hell...**

**Maxwell: **Hello. I'm Maxwell DeVegga.

**Tank**: Hi, and I'm Tankard E. Thompson.

**Maxwell**: Now... You might be asking yourself. 'What the hell is this?'

**Tank**: And rightfully so...

**Maxwell**: Well, you see, the author has been hard at work...

**Tank**: yeah... working 'really' hard... (Rolls eyes)

**Maxwell**: (Glares at Tank) Anyways, the Author has been working very hard and has just finished sketch work on all of the characters.

**Tank**: Yep! That's right. And to announce this little event, the author has sent us to tell you!

**Maxwell**: Heh, and paying us a lot of money to do it too!

**Tank**: Yep and-

**Rex**: (Bursts into the room) Wait! What was that about money?!

**Tank**: (sigh) Rex! What are you doing here?

**Rex**: You guys are getting paid to do this?!

**Maxwell**: Well... Yes. We are.

**Rex**: No fair!  
  
**Tank**: (sigh) Look Rex, you had your chance to do the announcement special but you said you were too busy (Doing God knows what...).

**Rex**: Yeah, but that was before I knew you guys were being paid to do this!

**Tank**: (sigh)

**Maxwell**: Um... Anyways, the Author wanted us to tell you that he now has sketched out pictures of all the characters from this fic and if you would like to see them, then just **say so in a review and make sure to leave your e-mail address so he can send you the pictures**.

**Tank**: Yeah, there are two pictures, one for the Vampires and one for us Werewolves.

**Maxwell**: You mean 'Lycan'.

**Tank**: Noooo... I mean Werewolves!

**Maxwell**: Lycan!

**Tank**: Werewolves!

**Maxwell**: LYCAN!!

**Tank**: WEREWOLVES you skinny, panty wearing loser!

**Maxwell**: What?!

**Tank**: ... Oops, sorry, I usually end up arguing with Sam.

**Maxwell**: 'Samuel'

**Tank**: 'Sam'

**Maxwell**: I'm not going to get into this with you.

**Rex**: Whatever you two. Look, here's the deal. If you'd like to see **pictures** of what the characters look like just **SAY SO IN A REVIEW AND LEAVE YOUR E-MAIL ADDRESS**.

**Tank**: Right, the files aren't that big. The largest is on 69K.

**Maxwell**: Right, and thank you all for reading **Underworld: Battle for Crow Canyon Dr. **Hope you stay tuned for our next episode.

...

**Rex**: ... So... Do I get paid for being in the special?

T**ank and Maxwell**: ...

...

**Special thanks to**:

**Alma 1**: Thanks Cutey Soul, I thought you'd love the Vampires.

**Paper Wound**: 'Legend' Ah! Now you've gone and made me blush!

**RedLady**: You leave the best reviews!

**Eight**: Thanks for your continued reviews!

**Dark and Prone to violence**: Thanks to the highest Degree! Wh00t!

**Syndic-Machiavelli**: Thanks; I've always been a big fan of bushes.

**Kijarat**: Heh, Tank is one of my favorite characters too.

**Lady Lilrin**: Thanks for the big bag of randomly selected candy breands and flavors! Delicious!

**Pheonix Eternia**: I love you too... Uh, in a platonic, you stay on your side of the computer and I'll stay on mine kind of way... heh... Hope your roommate is having insomnia now!


	6. Caeser Salads and Crutonians part 1

Reviewing this Chapter would be beneficial to your health… (Pulls out a chart with a bunch of graphs and X-Rays on it) It's been scientifically proven!

Episode 5: Caesar Salads and Crutonians part 1 

…

At the end of our last episode, the Werewolves were still in the middle of licking their wounds as they faced a disastrous failure at infiltrating the vampire's base. The vampires, not having a single clue to what the hell was going on below their own mansion… But hey! 25 off your next Rusty Burger meal… That'd keep anybody distracted.

But now it has been at a couple of months since the said incident. The vampires and werewolves proceeded to get into a few minor skirmishes, but nothing mention worthy. Vampires attacked, werewolves defend. Werewolves attack, vampires defend… The same 'ol thing… Uh, well, except for the time aliens from the planet Cruton invaded the neighborhood. But with a tankard truck full of ranch dress, and fresh Salad mix the Crutonians were shown just how in over their head they were… it also showed just how well they complimented a Caesar salad!

But now, lately, the vampires have been practically inactive. There has been no hostile activity from the vampires for nearly an entire month. It's beginning to weigh on the Werewolve's concern and suspicions.

Now…. On with the episode!

**Location**: Werewolf base: Briefing room: Tank, Rex, Hawk, and Chip are sitting around their briefing table/dinner table.

**Tank**: (Eating chow mien) Well guys, I guess your wondering why I called you all here today.

**Chip**: (Eating an egg roll) Huh? I thought we were just having breakfast.

**Hawk**: (fried rice) that's what I thought.

**Rex**: (Too busy eating to listen)

**Tank**: Uh, well I call you for breakfast too… But I was a more important reason for why were all here right now.

**Chip**: Is this about who stole all of Hawk's burritos?

**Hawk**: (Sigh) Okay… 1. I don't like burritos. 2. I'm not a Mexican damnit! I. Am. A Native American!

**Chip**: Dude… Why must you deny your ancestral heritage? Be proud man! Be Mexican! Hail Mexico! Home of the Burrito!

**Everyone**: …

**Hawk**: … (Nods his head solemnly) Okay… I'm gonna kill ya.

(Hawk tries to lunge at Chip from across the table, but is restrained by Rex and Tank)

**Rex**: No man! Think of the food! THINK OF THE FOOD!!!

**Hawk**: (Starts to settle down)… R-right…. I'm sorry guys… I… I don't know what came over me… all that precious food… crushed under my weight, as I was about to sail over the table to kill him… Thank you for stopping me.

**Chip**: … Um… Am I really less important than left-over Chinese food?

**Tank**: Don't worry, your still more important than left-over polish food.

**Chip**: (Phew) That's a relief…

**Hawk**: (sighs and sits back down) So what's this important thing you've got to tell us about?

**Tank**: Huh? Oh that… Yeah, were getting a new member to our group later today.

**Everyone**: What?!

**Tank**: Y'up. I got a letter telling me that some Jack is on his way here. He should be here by this afternoon.

**Chip**: Yes! I won't be the Newbie anymore!!! Wh00t! AHA HAHAHA!!!!

**Tank**: (Sweat drop) Damn man, calm down.

**Rex**: So we get a new guy… big whoop (goes back to eating his meal)

Everyone starts eating again.

**Tank**: Well, I'm off. I'll be back in a while.

**Hawk**: (Eating a pork bun and not paying attention) Later dude.

Tank leaves the briefing room…

**Chip**: Anyone ever wonder what he does when he leaves like that?

**Rex**: (Shrugs) I don't know… probably off screwing a vampire or something… (eats another egg roll)

**Everyone**: … … … AHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

**Hawk**: (Wiping a tear from his eye) Oh… that was a good one…

**Chip**: Heh, I wonder what this Jack guy is going to be like…

…

**Location**: Vampire base: Outside the bathroom.

**Claire**: (Steps out of the bathroom groaning.) Ugh… I don't feel so well…

**Sophia**: (Waiting outside the door in a bathrobe and a pink toothbrush in her mouth) Naw, wonga. Ooh hate agot oh Geezgake.

**Claire**: (Sigh) Take the toothbrush out of your mouth darling…

**Sophia**: (Takes the toothbrush out of her mouth) Oops… Sorry. I said: No wonders. You ate a lot of cheesecake last night.

**Claire**: (groans) But it was so good! I couldn't control myself…

**Sophia**: But look at you! You look horrible! Your clothes are wrinkled, your haven't put on any make-up yet and let's not get started on your hair!

**Claire**: I just did my hair!

**Sophia**: … Oh… Uh… It, um, looks nice… heh…

**Claire**: (Glares)

…

**Location**: Vampire Base: top floor of the mansion, inside Samuel's laboratory.

Samuel, surprisingly enough is actually hard at work. He is currently tweeking some large mechanical… Uh… Doo-Hicky… Yeah! Doo-hicky!… A complex, mechanical doo-hicky…

… What? Doo-Hicky is word!… It is!

**Samuel**: (Busily working on the… Doo-hicky)

**Maxwell**: (Comes into the room) Ah, Samuel, how goes things?

**Samuel**: (still working) Um… Very good sir. I should be finished within a day or so.

**Maxwell**: Ah, very good. You've been working on this for at least…

**Samuel**: A month.

**Maxwell**: Yes. A month…

**Samuel**: (Atill working) …

**Maxwell**: Um… Just out of curiosity… WHAT are you building exactly?

**Samuel**: Hm… Oh! Yes, it's a weapon.

**Maxwell**: A weapon?

**Samuel**: Yes.

**Maxwell**: And you've been working on this for the last month?

**Samuel**: Yes.

**Maxwell**: And you didn't tell me?

**Samuel**: Yes…. Wait… uh…

**Maxwell**: (Sigh) Exactly what does it do?

**Samuel**: (Getting up and dusting himself off) It's a high particle weapon designed to fire a mega ton blast in all directions.

**Maxwell**: R-really…

**Samuel**: Yes. As it stands, it will blanket a two-mile radius. Exterminating all the lycan in that area.

**Maxwell**: Really?!

**Samuel**: Yes! And it's almost finished.

**Maxwell**: Perfect!

**Samuel**: Yes… well, the hard part was getting the particle accelerator to disperse the energy from a solid beam into a multi-directional blanket and…

**Maxwell**: (not paying attention) Yes, yes. Whatever. Just finish it quickly.

Maxwell exits the room, leaving Samuel to babble on.

**Samuel**: … And then there was the little matter of the beam dissolving all matter within its encompassing radius, but I'm sure I'll have that solved… Um… eventually…

…

Later at the Werewolf's base… 

**Chip**: So, what do you think this Jack guy is like?

**Tank**: Well… the letter here says he's a master of hand-to-hand combat and small arms.

**Hawk**: Really? Perfect. After that incident with that one vampire we could really use some help.

**Tank**: (Turns to Chip and Rex) You know, you two STILL haven't told me what happened with that.

**Rex**: (Grumbles) I don't want to talk about it…

**Chip**: (sigh) Well, I guess it'd come out eventually… This is what happened…

**Rex**: (groans)…

FLASHBACK 

The middle of the night, down the street at the back corner of the local park.

Chip and Rex are chasing after a lone figure, which turns out to be Charles.

They Chase Charles until the come to a large fence, Charles is backed into the fence and appears to be out of ammo.

**Chip**: Yes! We finally have one of these guys!

**Rex**: (Cracking his knuckles) I'm so going to enjoy this…

**Charles**: (Looking calm and collect) I would advice against that.

**Chip**: What?

**Charles**: I would suggest that the two of you vacate immediately.

**Rex**: (Snort) Yeah? And why would we do that?

**Chip**: Yeah! We know you're out of ammo!

**Charles**: True… (Pulls something off of his belt) But I still have this! (Reveals the object in his hands)  
  
**Rex and Chip**: (GASP!)

Rex and Chip take a step back.

**Rex**: Crap… It's a can of Whoop-Ass!

**Chip**: Do you think we can still take him?

**Rex**: Hell no!

**Charles**: (Pops the top on the can)

**Can**: (PFFT!)

**Rex**: Uh, oh…

WAM!  
  
SMACK!  
  
CRACK!  
  
SLAP!  
  
CRUNCH!  
  
WOOSHA!

BAMG!  
  
WHAM-O!

…

**END FLASH BACK**

**Hawk**: So he opened up a can of Whoop-Ass on the two of you?

**Chip**: (Sigh) yep…

**Hawk**: Damn man… That stuff is expensive…

**Tank**: Well, that's enough story time. Jack should be here any moment now. So just remember…

**Everyone**: (Looks at Tank)

**Tank**: Just try to act like professionals for at least the first five minutes.

**Hawk**: No Prob.

**Chip**: Can do.

**Rex**: I won't make any promises.

The manhole in the ceiling of the room opens ups

**Tank**: Oh! Here he comes!

A figure drops down into the room carry a bag almost as big as the figure.

**Chip**: (Whispers to Hawk) Damn, this guy is really short…

**Hawk**: (Whispers back) Yeah, I guess there goes the idea of him taking on that big black guy…

The figure turns around to face everyone.

**Everyone**: (GASP!)

**Jack**: Hey, I'm Jack. Nice to meet you guys. I hope we'll be able to work together to really stick it to the vampires.

**Everyone**: (Still staring)

**Jack**: … What?

Chip: … Y-you… You're… You're a girl!!

**Jack**: Huh?

Indeed. Jack is at most, 5'2, long black hair with distinguishable oriental features.

**Tank**: Huh… Uh… We we're kind of expecting a guy…

**Jack**: Oh… that.

**Chip**: Girl!

**Hawk**: Is your name really Jack?

**Jack**: Well, my full name is Jackie Matsumoto, but everyone just calls me Jack for some reason.

**Chip**: (Jumping up and down) Girl!!

**Rex**: (Looking down at Jack) Damn… you're a combat master? I could through you around the room with one hand!

**Jack**: And I could snap your spinal cord in ten places before you even laid a grimy hand on me.

**Rex**: … Oh…

**Chip**: GIRL!!!!!

**Hawk**: (Dragging chip out of the room) I think somebody needs to take a nap…

Hawk drags Chip out of the room and out of sight.

**Chip**: GIR-

CRACK!

Hawk comes back into the room dusting his hands off.

**Everyone**: …

**Tank**: (Ahem) anyways… Uh… I guess you really weren't what we were expecting, but I guess the more help the better.

**Jack**: All right.

**Rex**: (Sigh) I'm gonna go to the store and get myself some apple juice…

Rex leaves the room through the manhole Jack entered through.

**Jack**: (Turns to Tank) Apple juice?

**Tank**: Don't. Ask.

**Jack**: Uh, okay…

**Tank**: Well, welcome to the team and just one quick word of advice…

**Jack**: What?

**Tank**: We haven't had any women here, EVER. So I advice you get a lock for your room.

**Jack**: (Disgusted look) They wouldn't!

**Tank**: Huh? OH! No, no, no… No, they would do anything like… THAT… The lock is really just to make sure your underwear doesn't disappear in the first two days.

**Jack**: (Eye twitch)…

…

**Several minutes later in the park**: Sophia, Charles, Maxwell and Samuel are hiding behind a bush.

**Maxwell**: Are you sure this trap will work?

**Charles**: Yes, sir. I am positive.

**Maxwell**: I don't know… It just seems… a little primitive…

In front of the bush, the vampires are watching a rope trap set in the middle of the park, tied to a nearby tree, with bait in the center of the loop.

**Charles**: Fear not sir. Lycan are dull witted creatures. They will easily fall for the trap.

**Sophia**: (Giggling) This is fun!

**Samuel**: Um… did I really have to come along?

**Maxwell**: Yes. When were on missions like this, I want everyone together.

**Samuel**: THIS is a MISSION?!

**Maxwell**: (Sigh)…

**Charles**: But where is Miss Claire?

**Sophia**: Oh, she's still sick.

**Maxwell**: Too much Cheesecake last night?

**Sophia**: Yep. She threw up all morning.

**Maxwell**: Hmm… Well, I hope she's all right.

**Sophia**: Don't worry. I gave her a couple of bags of blood and my favorite book! She'll be fine.

**Samuel**: You're favorite book?

…

Back at the mansion, Claire's room 

**Claire**: (Sitting in bed, holding a book) … The Cat in the Hat?

…

**Everyone**: …

**Sophia**: … What?

**Maxwell**: Anyways… I have questions on the choice of bait for this trap.

**Charles**: Is there a problem with the bait sir?

**Maxwell**: It's just… Dull-witted or not. Do you honestly think a Lycan is stupid enough to walk into such an obvious trap, just for a porno magazine?

**Charles**: Well sir…

SNAP!

Maxwell, Sophia, and Charles look to see Samuel hanging upside down from his leg, holding the dirty magazine.

**Maxwell**: …

**Charles**: Hmm… Maybe we SHOULD re-consider our choice of Bait…

**Sophia**: Oh! I've got the perfect thing!

Charles and Maxwell look at Sophia quizzically.

**Samuel**: (Hanging upside down) Um… A little help here?

…

Sophia returns a short time later and the trap is reset.

**Maxwell**: (Sigh)

**Sophia**: What?

**Maxwell**: Apple Juice?

**Sophia**: Yes.

**Maxwell**: Apple Juice.

**Sophia**: Uh-huh.

**Maxwell**: (rubbing his temples) Sophia… If we ever run into the vampire that sired you, please tell me.

**Sophia**: (Blink, blink…) Um, Samuel is over there. (Points to Samuel who is reading the dirty magazine.)

**Maxwell**: Samuel?

**Sophia**: Uh-huh.

**Maxwell**: Samuel, could you come here for a moment?

**Samuel**: (Puts away the magazine and walks over to Maxwell) Yes-

KRACK!

**Sophia**: Oh my…

Samuel is lying on the ground unconscious.

**Maxwell**: (Relieved sigh) That… felt good.

**Charles**: So what shall we replace the apple juice with sir?

**Maxwell**: Hmmm… Maybe…

SNAP!!

**Everyone**: … (Slowly turns to look at the trap)

**Rex**: (Holding onto the apple juice while hanging upside down) … Crap.

**Sophia**: Yay! It worked! (Does the V sign with her fingers)

**Maxwell**: …

**Charles**: Shall we commence with the extermination sir?

**Maxwell**: …

**Sophia**: Hee! Hee! He's so surprised it worked he's speechless!!!

**Charles**: Hmm…

**Rex**: (Still hanging upside down) …

**Maxwell**: You… you…

**Charles**: Sir?

**Maxwell**: (Points at Rex) You're that disgusting lout from Rusty Burger!!!

**Charles**: ???

**Rex**: … Crap.

**Maxwell**: (Pulls out his gun and cocks it) This for spitting in my burger you lycan freak!

**Rex**: Well that's what you get for not tipping!

**Maxwell**: It was a fast food restaurant moron! You don't tip!

**Rex**: Oh.  
  
**Maxwell**: I'm going to enjoy this! (Aims his gun)

**Charles**: Wait sir! What if he's not a Lycan?

**Maxwell**: What?

**Charles**: (Steps between Rex and Maxwell) Sir, I'm not quite sure I recognize him. He might not be a Lycan.

**Rex**: (Notices something attached to Charles Belt) Uh… Yeah! What if I'm not a Lycan… er… W-whatever … that is…

**Maxwell**: B-but…

**Sophia**: That's true! He looks like a bum, but I've never actually seen what any of the Lycan look like up close…

**Rex**: (Tries to grab object on Charles's belt)

**Maxwell**: (Grumbles) well… that's true… It usually is quite dark… but…

**Charles**: …But?

**Rex**: (Reaches out and just barely snatches object off of Charles's belt)

**Maxwell**: (Aims his gun back at Rex) He still spit in my burger!!!

**Charles**: …

**Rex**: …

**Sophia**: …

**Maxwell**: …

**Charles**: … (Shrugs) Fair enough. (Steps out of the way)

**Maxwell**: Say your prayers burger spitter!

(PFFT!)

**Maxwell**: What the-

WHAM!  
  
CRACK!  
  
SMACK!  
  
POW!  
  
BAM!

BONK!

WACK!

SLAM!  
  
CHOKE HOLD!

WHAM-O!!!

**Maxwell**: Ugh…

**Charles**: mmmmh…

**Sophia**: Zzzzzzzz…

**Rex**: (Unties himself from the tree and lands on his feet)

**Rex**: (Phew) That was a close one… (Throws the empty can of Whoop-Ass over his shoulder) Man that stuff is awesome!

Rex picks up the rest of his apple juice and begins to head on his way.

**Rex**: … Oh hey! (Picks up the dirty magazine laying next to Samuel) Cool! Beat the crap out of some Vampires; get an extra bottle of apple AND free porn! (Sigh) This is the best night ever.

Rex walks the rest of the way home whistling merrily.

…

Some time later… 

**Maxwell**: Ugh… (Gets up, clutching his head) What happened?

**Sophia**: (yawns) That was a nice nap.

**Maxwell**: …

**Charles**: (Getting up while clutching his head)… It appears the Lycan was able to get his hands on a can of Whoop-Ass.

**Maxwell**: (Groans) Wonderful…

**Samuel**: Ugh… (Gets up too)

**Maxwell**: (Sigh) well, this was a bit of a failure… Let's pack up and head for base. We still have Samuels project to fall back on.

**Charles**: Of course, sir.

The vampires begin to pack up and leave when suddenly.

**Samuel**: (Gasp!) Oh no!

**Maxwell**: What is it?

**Samuel**: Somebody took my Magazine!

**Maxwell**: …  
  
CRACK!

**Samuel** :Ugh…

The rest of the vampires return back to base.

To be continued…

And so concludes another episode of Underworld: Battle for Crow Canyon Dr.! What shall happen in our next episode? Will the vampires pull off Samuels plan to destroy all the Lycan will a particle bomb? Will Claire realized the dark secrets of cheesecake? And will all of Jack's underwear go missing?! Find out and much more in the next episode of Underworld: Battle for Crow Canyon Dr. "Caesar Salads and Crutonians part2"

The ever illusive,  
  
**Hyper Guyver**


End file.
